OCD started when I was about 11 years old. If I did not do certain things, I believed my mom would die and it was all my fault. Just sitting in a chair didn’t feel right, so I’d do it again until it did. When walking, I had to walk backwards over my steps and repeat the process until it felt right.
I never told anyone. I thought I was crazy or a brain tumor, so I just hid it until I was 40. I started driving around the block because I’d hit a bump or pothole and think maybe I hit someone, so I’d turn the car around to check. That’s when I knew something was wrong with me and I didn’t know what, so I told my wife everything, and she made me a appointment to thedoctor.
I was so relieved to find it had a name: OCD. I was not crazy.
Everything I do has to FEEL RIGHT. If I touch or bump something, I’ll do itagain and again until it FEELS RIGHT. I always feel like everything is my fault; the GUILT is terrible. If I drop a paper or anything on the ground, I start thinking it’s gonna blow into the street and some kid will run out into the street and get hit, and it would be ALL MY FAULT.
I trace everything with my eyes like I’m drawing it. I step over cracks. If I’m in the mall and I walk by a door or windows, I imagine there’s an imaginary line protruding out through the room and I’ll step over it. I like things lined up. There is a Right and aL eft sock. I re-open envelopes after I seal them, to make sure I didn’t put anything bad in them…there are so many more.
Rick, 42
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laisue cheng says:
this is exactly how i felt,tho i self diagnosed at 19 after reading in a magazine about a girl who was suffering almost identical symptoms.sometimes i feel like banging my haed against the wall in frustration,because of the amount of times i have 2 touch things an touch them in exactly the right way.until the age of 19 i honestly believed i was mad and i feel so sorry for other children who are experiencing this and have no1 2 turn 2
admin says:
absolutely – more people need to know about this stuff, openly and honestly.
Helen says:
I also understand the pain that you go through on a daily basis as I too suffer from this awful illness. I´ve had OCD since childhood following my parents separation. Things got worse when I met my, now, husband. Funnily enough it disappeared after the birth of my first child and for 18 months I lived in sheer bliss. It came back with a bang once I fell pregnant with my second child and has been with me ever since. I am lucky, I know what it is like to be OCD-free and try to recall how happy and carefree I was during that 18 months I really believe if I felt that way once I can feel that way again. Live in hope xxx
admin says:
thank you so much for sharing that – i too believe recovery is possible, even if we bounce back and forth between good times and bad…there’s always hope for the good.
Jay says:
These symptoms all sound very familiar to me as well. I am 38 now and finally through much research on the internet self diagnosed my condition. I knew I had some minor OCD symptoms in my teens like counting and making certain hand motions until it felt right. It progressed to fears of stepping on cracks. I’d feel like I had a deal that if I stepped over a crack all was good, but one time when I accidentally stepped on one I felt as if I had made a mistake that would cause something horrible to happen. I was so racked with guilt I had to see a priest over it. It then went to my driving which was the worst symptom of all. I couldn’t go anywhere without constantly thinking I’d hit soemone. Sometimes I’d retrace my steps for over an hour trying to get out of one town. I’d have to check the rear mirror as soon as I got on the road to see who was following me. If they turned off I knew I had to go back and see if I’d hit someone. I told my parents about the fear, they thought I was just being ridiculous again and I just kept suffering with it. This symptom has largely gone away thank God. It wasn’t until I read about stories online this year that I realized that was all under the OCD heading and not just me being crazy. I am seeing an excellent therpist now who specializes in OCD. I just wish more people knew about this condition. I don;t wish this on anyone. it was pure hell when I was about 16-25 and even now I have many rituals I feel compelled to perform. It is so important to seek treatment as soon as possible. Sadly so many therapists aren’t even familiar enough to diagnose it. Trust me I saw several that didn’t have a clue. Anyway sorry to ramble, but I saw these posts and just wanted to share my experience. It can be very lonely.
admin says:
Ramble away – so glad to hear from you and hear that you’ve been struck by this post.