I’m 17 years old, and I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 13, though I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have symptoms. I’ve since been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenic tendencies resulting from my OCD. My psychiatrist and I don’t consider titles anymore, just symptoms and treatments.
The best day of my life was the morning I woke up, having taken medication for my symptoms for the first time the night before. For the past year, I had awakened and instantly burst into tears upon recognizing I hadn’t died in my sleep. That morning, I woke up, shut off my alarm clock, and made it all the way downstairs before I realized I didn’t mind being alive. For the first time, I wondered if things just might get a little better.
I have been on 7 medications in various combinations and doses. I have contamination fears and cleansing rituals, compulsive checking, intrusive images that appear in front of me, and voices in my head. Medication doesn’t cure a mental health patient, but it helps clear my head, so I can focus on working to make myself better. It’s exhausting and terrifying work, but I know someday I’ll leave my house and show myself as me, and not through the lens of a diagnosis.
When I work through therapy, I have a mantra that helps me through it. I repeat to myself, “I will not die under a diagnosis.” When I’m finally done living, hopefully to a ripe old age, I want to die having lived at least one day in perfect freedom. I can’t wait for that day when OCD will be a distant memory, and I know if I keep working, I’ll get there. But for now, there are exactly 300 words in this text.
‘Kristen’
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Julie Genovese says:
That was so honest and beautiful Kristen! You are a terrific writer and I could feel your brilliance shining through all the pain and the “titles.” That day of perfect freedom is coming sooner than you think. I was labeled “birth defect” (a dwarf) from my first breath, so I understand something about how a diagnosis can be a very heavy burden. I had many fears and a deep rage that I thought I would never pull out of. But I did! I know you will too — I can feel the strength and power of your true spirit making it’s way, step by step. Congratulations and thank you for sharing your journey. I think there is a book inside you! xo Julie
admin says:
Thanks so much for your comment; I will pass this on to Kristen, who wrote the piece. I would agree she has much potential with her writing, and I would encourage you to pick up ‘Check Mates’, featuring more writing of this nature, all about OCD by the people who know best.