Technically speaking, I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD.  Doctors have agreed I have it, but no one sat down with a diagnostic manual and said, “Ah, we see you have OCD.”  Nevertheless, those who have listened to me agreed this was the case.  I knew it when I read a description of it in a Psychology book in college.  It just all came together.

I think for some people, this is a traumatic moment.  I was overjoyed.  I knew what was wrong!  That knowledge was powerful.  Back then, when a compulsion arose, I’d see it for what it was. OK, so another OCD issue is raising its ugly head. On the other hand, there were certain symptoms that were life-altering for the worst. I can’t be with you.  I might hurt you. Or I can’t be free to live my life like other people because God might punish me. Or Only the filthiest people would have thoughts like that. Guilt and shame are powerful companions to this disease.

My OCD has changed over the years.  As a kid, it was mostly body symmetry issues.  As I grew older, it came closer and closer to what we call Pure ‘O’: mental compulsions with few outward signs.  These were dark, I must say.  I won’t talk about them, but if you read my stories, you might see one or two hidden in them.

In the end, I’ve sought treatment mostly through Exposure Response Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  I avoid drugs by exercising and trying to get sleep, though it’s still up in the air as to whether or not I’ll use medications.  My children both have OCD and I doubt I need a lot more stress to push me into taking them.

OCD doesn’t have to be a prison sentence.  It can be conquered to a certain degree.  The rest can be lived with if one has the will and the tenacity.  But it will always be a struggle.  I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

E.I. Muse, author of ‘Why You Run’ and ‘Resurrection Day’, as featured in ‘Check Mates: A Collection of Fiction, Poetry and Artwork about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, by People with OCD‘ – available on Amazon and Amazon Kindle

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