I am not alone.  I have a constant, unwelcome companion.  This companion is a voice – a voice in my head that is sadly my own.

You see, I suffer from Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, which, in our haste to spit out words as quickly as possible, is often just referred to as OCD.  I’ve heard OCD compared to a faulty transmission that gets stuck in gear, or a machine gun with a sticking trigger.  What it means is that my brain often gets stuck on a single unpleasant thought.  I end up thinking this unpleasant thought over and over.  I obsess about it and fear that it’s real, and will perform some nonsensical ritual in the vain hope of relief.  I used to think and do things in groups of fours, convinced that the order and repetition would somehow relieve my anxiety.  I did the whole checking and re-checking thing.  I had a horrible period where I thought something bad would happen my Mom, and that those same thoughts would cause the tragedy I so feared.  I obsessed that perhaps I really did want bad things to happen to those I loved, or that I deserved to be punished for being a horrible person.  I’ve since learned that these thoughts are irrational.  The feelings they cause are not real.  The checking, the constant fear that something awful would happen, has almost completely gone away.

Unfortunately, I’ve found that the awful sputtering voice hasn’t gone away.  It’s just adapted.  As I’ve become comfortable doing more and more normal things, I’ve realized that some of my new frustrations and fears are just good old-fashioned OCD thoughts.  And that’s why I say I’ll never be really alone.

You don’t have any reason to be envious, because my companion isn’t comforting.  My only refuge is sleep, and even then peace isn’t guaranteed.

It has robbed so much of my life and affected many friendships.  I’ve been on over a dozen medications since then (about 16 years now) and have been in therapy as well.  Not only do I struggle with OCD, but I have also been diagnosed with Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and possibly a couple others that have caused me to be in several in-patient and out-patient programs and hopsitals within the last 6 years.

I wish I could be more positive and uplifting, and tell you the struggle will eventually end and  it only gets better as time goes on, but I can’t and I won’t.  Realistically, I believe it’s something I’m always going to struggle with greatly.  I believe the symptoms will wax and wane throughout life, but always remain a constant in my life.  A lot of days, I wonder how I made it so far or how I’m going to make it through the rest of my life like this, and the only semi-uplifting thing I can tell you is…somehow, I always seem to make it through the day, and all I can do is pray and hope for a brighter tomorrow.

I started taking Luvox. I hated the side effects, but I needed  relief from the obsessions. The meds helped a little bit as long as I took it on a regular basis. I am so glad I do not have to take it anymore!!

I would like to say: it’s easy to see someone  struggling with OCD and judge by thinking, They really need to get their act together. OCD is so horrible, so unrelenting. The anxiety is so draining. The compulsions are done to feel relief from the hell of OCD, not because it’s something they like to do. If anything, know  they are struggling, and try to relate through something you have struggled with.Because the last thing they need is to feel even worse.

OCD is hell…

Stephen Leaver, illustrator for Check Mates: A Collection of Fiction, Poetry and Artwork about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, by People with OCD,  available on Amazon and Amazon Kindle

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I think for some people, this is a traumatic moment.  I was overjoyed.  I knew what was wrong!  That knowledge was powerful.  Back then, when a compulsion arose, I’d see it for what it was. OK, so another OCD issue is raising its ugly head. On the other hand, there were certain symptoms that were life-altering for the worst. I can’t be with you.  I might hurt you. Or I can’t be free to live my life like other people because God might punish me. Or Only the filthiest people would have thoughts like that. Guilt and shame are powerful companions to this disease.

My OCD has changed over the years.  As a kid, it was mostly body symmetry issues.  As I grew older, it came closer and closer to what we call Pure ‘O’: mental compulsions with few outward signs.  These were dark, I must say.  I won’t talk about them, but if you read my stories, you might see one or two hidden in them.

In the end, I’ve sought treatment mostly through Exposure Response Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.  I avoid drugs by exercising and trying to get sleep, though it’s still up in the air as to whether or not I’ll use medications.  My children both have OCD and I doubt I need a lot more stress to push me into taking them.

OCD doesn’t have to be a prison sentence.  It can be conquered to a certain degree.  The rest can be lived with if one has the will and the tenacity.  But it will always be a struggle.  I don’t think I’d have it any other way.

E.I. Muse, author of ‘Why You Run’ and ‘Resurrection Day’, as featured in ‘Check Mates: A Collection of Fiction, Poetry and Artwork about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, by People with OCD‘ – available on Amazon and Amazon Kindle

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I was finally given an official diagnosis in my 20s, by which time my thought processes were so deeply ingrained that I regarded any suggestion to treat me as an attack on my personal beliefs and an attempt to destroy my very soul. OCD had become my bedrock; the stimulus for my successes, the salve for my failures. Perhaps it is unsurprising, therefore, that later attempts to treat me with CBT met with a brick wall and I viewed medication as a personal insult.

For nearly 40 years it has had a daily impact on my life and has in some way affected every choice I have ever made. Sometimes it has inspired the confidence to be myself, go my own way and hang the world; sometimes it has robbed me of my heart’s desires, most recently in causing the break-up with my fiancé.

It frequently torments my dreams with petrifying images of taps running dry as I try to wash my hands, or strings of elastic exuding from my eyes and limbs, literally tying me in knots as I try to escape some unnamed fear.

For all that, I would not now be without it. It is part of who I am. Yet, if I could have my time again, I would wish to be treated early and educated about it so I would know not to embrace the obsessions as if they were doctrine, and have the courage to fight the compulsions, to live and be free.

Rose Gardener, author of ‘A Cautionary Tale’, ‘The OCD Ogre’ and ‘There Are No Monsters Under This Child’s Bed’, as featured in ‘Check Mates: A Collection of Fiction, Poetry and Artwork about Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, by People with OCD’ –  – available on Amazon and Amazon Kindle

Click below to order Check Mates now

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