NOTE: This story contains sexual and violent incidents that some people might find upsetting.  But we aim to be honest here, so we have included the story in full.  Please only read if you feel comfortable with this sort of material.

As a young child (around 4-5 years old), I suffered from my “illness”. I would hear voices, and I never slept. Often I would ask my mother why it was that I heard things nobody else heard, and her explanation was that God was trying to talk to me. So when the voices called out my name, I was at my wit’s end, calling to God, telling him I really was listening, and that He could just tell me already!

Growing up was extremely hard for me. School was the worst, because I never had any friends. I wanted friends, but when I had them, I never truly felt happy. I was also verbally abused by my step-father. He was bipolar, and the medication he was on never worked for him.

My mother worked at a convalescent hospital and was always at work, so my step-father would watch my brother and me. He laid in bed all day, sleeping, only waking up for an hour or so to eat. My brother and I were expected to take care of ourselves, and if we  made even a bit of noise, he would come out and beat us. Eventually, as I approached my teen years, my mother left him, and he would never hear from us again. But another problem arose, and it was one that shaped my life forever.

On my mother’s side, I have two cousins, brother and sister. Let’s call them Amy and James. Amy and I had always been close. And James, while he was almost four years older than me, had always been more of an older brother figure. Well, they were…molesting me. Both at the same time, but neither of the two knew about the other’s actions. This abuse plunged me deeper into my insomnia and depression. Some nights, I would stay up the entire night, just sobbing uncontrollably. I felt so helpless and alone. It was then that I started to hurt myself.

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My freshman year in high school, I met the most amazing person. Let’s call him Ryan. He was gorgeous, tall, with somewhat Aryan features. He was a nerd, and we would spend hours just talking about video games, cartoons, etc. We started dating, and all was well. But when he graduated, another side of him arose. I was transferred to a school that had just been built, and made new friends. All of them were guys. Ryan was suspicious of them, and forced me to break off the friendship. But I didn’t. Countless times he accused me of cheating on him. And yes, while I thought some guys were cute, I never thought of leaving him. I was so much in love with him, and I knew he was the one for me. But these accusations caused an on-and-off relationship for us. One day, we would be fine, and the next, he would find something wrong with me and break it off.

During this time, the voices came back, louder than ever. I couldn’t go a day without hearing them. And it made me feel even crazier. I would hear voices, and then I would cut myself, which made Ryan angry, and it was just a vicious cycle. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I beat myself up, because all I wanted to do was please Ryan. He was my entire world, and I loved him. He enlisted in the Air Force, and he said he would make a life for us. We began to plan our future together, and the reality was setting in that, even though we had our fights and troubles, he was still in love with me, and that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives.

Before he left, he proposed to me. There was no ring, but it didn’t matter to me. All that mattered was that we promised ourselves to each other, and that we were going to stick it out and make the relationship work. Time went by, and I was so helplessly in love with him. But somehow he didn’t feel the same. So I fell deeper into my depression, and began to have suicidal thoughts. I started taking huge amounts of pills and going to sleep, hoping I would never wake up.

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I talked to people on the internet, hoping to find someone who would love me. I wanted to leave Ryan, but every time I tried, he would suck me back in. I hate to admit it, but I began to make relationships with random guys on the internet, even going so far as having phone sex with them, trying to feel something close to love. Those relationships never lasted, and it left me with the feeling of being so dirty. I hated myself so much for what I was doing, but I was so addicted. I would take a shower after every time I was on the phone with a guy, and I would bleach myself, and then cut myself all over my thighs. I wanted to die so bad.

So one day, I took a bunch of pills, I got a scarf, and I tried to hang myself. Right as I was blacking out, the hat rack I was using broke and fell, hitting me on the head. I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. A couple weeks later, I had my mom check me into the mental hospital, because I was so scared of myself. I didn’t feel safe. I wanted to die so very badly, but at the same time, I didn’t want to give up on life. So I spent a week in the hospital, and it’s really a week that I vaguely remember, because I was so drugged up. My speech was slurred, and I couldn’t even walk straight. I really feel that if I wasn’t so drugged, and if my roommate hadn’t molested me, I could have made some progress. However, it plunged me deeper, and the doctors suddenly called me “manic depressive.”

And so here I am today, 17, on the edge of becoming a legal adult, and wondering where I’m going to go from here. The thing that gives me hope is song writing. I hope one day someone will hear my music and be encouraged.

‘Ellie’

  1. Najma says:

    Dear Ellie,

    I think you are a wonderful and strong person. you have went through so much and havent given up yet. I dont know you but am really proud of you. The world is not full of bad people who will hurt you and sometimes people come into your life to make you a better person. Many people would love to have you as a friend and i am 100% sure somebody is going to be really lucky to call you his wife. They say before you others can love you, you have to love yourself first and when the time is right everything will fall into place. keep being the amazing girl you are and i hope and pray it all works out.

    Your friend in the Netherlands,
    Love,
    Najma

  2. Kelly Nisbett says:

    Hi Ellie ,
    I think that is amazing that you have been able to put all that negative stuff and turn it around by writing it in songs . I will say a little pray for you tonight and I turely hope that you will get some peace of mind from what you are doing , keep up the good work .

    best wishes Kelly

  3. david says:

    Try meditating with binaural beats. do something good for yourself, you cant tell yourself you’re not good enough

  4. Jenny says:

    Dear Ellie,

    You’ve been dealt a really tough deal in life this far and you’re still here, talking, writing and feeling – that alone is an amazing achievement and testament to your inner strength. Believe in yourself and in your future, but be kind to your self and nurture and care for the child in you, because you need to make space for her in order for you to move forward.
    Your strength and your talent for communicating with others will help you to forge a path for yourself.

    Good luck, Jenny

  5. Joel tovar says:

    Everything will change having faith in god and taking the medication.please keep in touch with to Your doctor. You Dont have to be in love just to be Happy.

  6. Brent says:

    Ellie, don’t give up on God or hope. My wife is Bi-polar and I have battled with Depression. My wife went through about the same experiences that you did. Voices that cause you harm are NEVER GOD, so didn’t give up hope. My wife and I have an Internet Ministry called The Healing Hug on the major social networking websites: Myspace, Facebook and Twitter if you ever want to reach us? You will be in our thoughts and prayers. <3

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