I’m 17 years old, and I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 13, though I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have symptoms.  I’ve since been diagnosed with depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenic tendencies resulting from my OCD.  My psychiatrist and I don’t consider titles anymore, just symptoms and treatments.

The best day of my life was the morning I woke up, having taken medication for my symptoms for the first time the night before.  For the past year, I had awakened and instantly burst into tears upon recognizing I hadn’t died in my sleep.  That morning, I woke up, shut off my alarm clock, and made it all the way downstairs before I realized I didn’t mind being alive.  For the first time, I wondered if things just might get a little better.

I have been on 7 medications in various combinations and doses.  I have contamination fears and cleansing rituals, compulsive checking, intrusive images that appear in front of me, and voices in my head.  Medication doesn’t cure a mental health patient, but it helps clear my head, so I can focus on working to make myself better.  It’s exhausting and terrifying work, but I know someday I’ll leave my house and show myself as me, and not through the lens of a diagnosis.

When I work through therapy, I have a mantra that helps me through it.  I repeat to myself, “I will not die under a diagnosis.”  When I’m finally done living, hopefully to a ripe old age, I want to die having lived at least one day in perfect freedom.  I can’t wait for that day when OCD will be a distant memory, and I know if I keep working, I’ll get there.  But for now, there are exactly 300 words in this text.

READ MORE  OCD and Bipolar - So Much More than the Diagnostic Criteria

‘Kristen’

Click below to order Check Mates, the first ever collection of fiction poetry and artwork about OCD

amazon.com amazon.co.uk amazon.ca

  1. Julie Genovese says:

    That was so honest and beautiful Kristen! You are a terrific writer and I could feel your brilliance shining through all the pain and the “titles.” That day of perfect freedom is coming sooner than you think. I was labeled “birth defect” (a dwarf) from my first breath, so I understand something about how a diagnosis can be a very heavy burden. I had many fears and a deep rage that I thought I would never pull out of. But I did! I know you will too — I can feel the strength and power of your true spirit making it’s way, step by step. Congratulations and thank you for sharing your journey. I think there is a book inside you! xo Julie

  2. admin says:

    Thanks so much for your comment; I will pass this on to Kristen, who wrote the piece. I would agree she has much potential with her writing, and I would encourage you to pick up ‘Check Mates’, featuring more writing of this nature, all about OCD by the people who know best.